A Set of New Steps

I'm crammed in a small corner of my room, surrounded by bins, books, folders, blocks, kits and boxes typing away at my first blog regarding my homeschooling endeavor. My experience so far has been filled with many shifting emotions. Two weeks ago I was eager. Today, I'm terrified. This is Joshua's last week of public school before Christmas break, but also before I start homeschooling. This reality has my stomach in knots. Doubt is plaguing me this afternoon and I want it gone. Jamie thinks I'll feel much better when Friday finally arrives. I hope he is right. After all, before this week, I was taking my next steps. Now, a new next step is here and I'm a bit shaken'. For the past two months I have dilegently researched curriculum, sought out encouragement, met and talked with a slew of homeschooling mommies, joined a support group, prayed non-stop, talked with Jamie, talked with Josh. I've taken so many forward steps to get myself to this place, and now my excitement seems replaced with fear. In my head and heart I know this is normal and temporary, but it stinks nonetheless. Walking in faith, for me, has been rewarding and inspiring, but also scary and uncertain. Jamie reminds me that I have never fared well with change. I can't even take a road trip to see family without feeling antsy and nervous. I've wrestled with letting go (control) for a good part of my life. It seems fitting that "let go" was my one word for the year, and as this year comes to an end, I'm determined more than ever to let go of my will and follow His. The tiny seed of homeschooling was planted in me years ago and although nervous, I'm excited to watch it grow.

Growing up fast

I can't express in words how much I am thoroughly enjoying watching my middle and little children grow up. For the last 6 years I have spent my life either pregnant or nursing. I'm in a new season now. Watching more. Smiling bigger. Giggling a bunch. Reflecting. Yearning at times for another precious babe. Content however with the three I have. Wishing I could stop time, but enjoying the freedoms, twists and joys of each new season.
George has started preschool this year and the experience has changed him. It's given him a new confidence . An "I'm important" confidence. He wears his book bag proudly, fiddles through his take home papers as if they were "bills," talking to himself about each one. Demands that he wear socks, because after all, that is what grownups do. Or so he tells me. I think he had started contemplating coming out from under Joshys wing, but is only now discovering how to do that. I LOVE watching it. And so because George has started preschool 3 mornings a week, that leaves just me and Riley. I love her in a new way now. She is my sidekick. She talks constantly, practicing all of the new words she's learned in correct context. "Oh dear mommy, what is that?" or my favorite "Goodnight, I love you too mommy." The most frequent question "Where Dosh, Dorge and Daddy go?" She likes to do everything and anything that I do. What a gift and yet a huge responsibility that I've not experienced with the others. My mommy stuff was and is that to the boys..mommy stuff. Now with Ri, she listens more to how I talk with friends or watches how I interact with Jamie and non-stop asks questions about what I'm doing. It's great. Everyone is growing up so fast. I'm getting glimpses of the thousands of times I've heard enjoy them, it goes by quickly. Man, it does. I'm reminded to slow down and not take these fast paced moments for granted.

Here are a few recent pics of Georgy starting preschool and Riley down at the water. Words cant express how much I adore these two. Pictures capture why I do.

Just Me

Jamie and the boys planned a trip to Virginia this weekend to visit a dear friend. It occurred to me that never before have Riley and I spent 24 hours alone together. It has been so relaxing and fun. Lots of time spent quiet, reading books, shopping (super easy with just 1 kid), and hanging out. It is amazing to watch and discover her apart from her brothers. She doesn't know life without them, misses them tremendously when they are gone, but hopefully enjoys her time with just me. I know I have.

Summer Vacation

Myrtle Beach 2010

My word....let go.

It was inevitable that this day would come. And if you know me, you know I've been crying about it for a little over a year now. Kindergarten. School. Letting Go. It makes me breathe deeply, feel anxious and cry...all the time. Nonetheless, tomorrow is the day that Joshy leaves home and spends his first day at school. He doesn't even know what he is getting himself into, as if he has a choice, but he says he's "a little bit excited." There are so many emotions I'm going through, but what keeps me moving forward is knowing that I've spoken with God about this topic for long enough to feel comfortable and to take the next step in sending Joshua to public elementary school. I love talking to my girlfriend who says, "is there any other option?" Oh to feel so free in thinking about what has been concerning me for wayyyyy tooooo loooong!!!!! Jamie is and has been my rock through this whole transition. I used to feel crippled by his "I trust you to make the right decision for Josh," statements and on the back side now feel blessed that he knows me well enough to give me space to process, and reprocess every step of the way. I'm sad to see Josh grow up. I mean I really want him to stay small forever. But I know I have to share him, and I'm excited to see who he brings over for play dates, the new discoveries he'll make, the connections he will form, the experiences he'll have, the growing up he'll do. Joshy is such a gift. One I feel privileged, honored, proud to share. Im thankful God has spent the last year and a half preparing me for tomorrow.

Riley swims 025.avi

I mean really....this is the summer my children have decided to grow up. Riley decided that this weekend she was going to swim. I'm sure watching her brothers has a bit to do with her absence of fear, but I've been watching her go through the steps of TEACHING HERSELF how to swim. I've been fighting it. The panic that sets in when one or two aren't accounted for is too much for me. Not to mention that little Riley doesn't seem to mind if I'm around to save her or not. Good Gracious. She does look so adorable swimming in the water though; her arms moving like a tiny sea turtle.

Pickin' it up

A random day in the front yard turned monumental. Apparently these types of things just happen. I feel blessed to be able to watch and record them. Check it out.... Sorry for the narrating in the video. It was very spontaneous and I was extremely nervous watching this for the first time.

My little girl

I haven't blogged in a while. Even though a bunch has changed with us, I guess it hasn't been enough for me to muster up the last ounce of brain power to sit down and type it out. It also has occurred to me that I am most likely to blog when my heart feels heavy. Tonight I'm reflecting on my little girl. She'll be two on Thursday. Cliche I know, but it feels like yesterday she was in my arms coming home to meet her brothers. Light, sweaty from the car ride home layered with too many hospital blankets, a petite little nose, eyes closed and sleeping. I can honestly say that I could have never dreamed that having a little girl was going to be so stunning. The older she gets, the more I adore her. The connection has always been there, but I can only describe my experience with her like this....all of the regular joys and challenges of childhood, but with a girl twist. For example, the boys have always been okay letting me take care of them. From what they ate to how they dressed. It's not in their nature to help carry things or even figure out how to put on their own shoes. I've encouraged these things to which they have generally seemed uninterested. Riley however has innately been different. I supposed she has spent her last two years keenly observing me taking care of our family, because she seems to know just what to do and how to help. At the pool she will gather the wet bathing suits and towels, carrying them to the car. Without me speaking a word I should add. Coming home from the beach she will line up her brother's shoes and remind them to put them on. At the dinner table she has begun singing the blessing. She throws her trash away without being asked. She can follow more than ONE step commands (sorry Joshy and George). She buckles her brothers seat belts and then attempts her own. She hands me the clean dishes from the dishwasher. Each morning she carries Joshua's book bag to his classroom. When she notices any chair pulled out, she will push it in. If Kiddo spills water on the floor she will say "uh oh" and ask for a paper towel to clean up the mess. I mean the list goes on and on. She has turned this corner in her second year of life that has me thrilled wondering what is in store next. I've noticed a perfect balance recently between an energetic explorer and an intuitive little girl. There is such purpose in most of what she accomplishes. She is still a daddy's girl asking each morning after he leaves for work "where daaaady go?" And then hearing his door shut when he comes home from work running to the window to scream "daaaaaaaadddddy!" It's precious. She also loves her brothers, Dora, everything water, her bear, her pink blanket, bananas, cheese sticks, salsa, couponing (I'm not kidding. She calls them pon poms), bubbles, swinging, shoes and brushing her teeth. It's so fun to watch my daughter shift into this little person. I have this huge lump in my throat and I'm not sure if it is because I am overjoyed to be her mother and reflecting on her milestones makes me so proud, or if I'm so heavy hearted knowing that she will wake up from a nap one day and be 25. Both I guess. I'm thankful either way for my little girl.

A Kiss Goodbye

It was a different kind of dinner tonight. Each kid sort of ate at a different time. Sundays, or church days are usually like that. I had finished feeding the middle and the little and cleaned them up, when Joshy was ready. I fixed his plate and sat down with him to keep him company while he ate. It was quiet. George and Riley were busy with Jamie out front. Josh and I talked a bit, and then we sat quiet. I started thinking about how I really didn't want him to go away to kindergarten. I would keep him home with me for one more year and then when he was almost seven, he'd be ready to go off to school. My precious little boy, slurping spaghetti was still so small and sweet. I hadn't had a chance to land anywhere in my thinking, and for some reason, I asked Josh if he wanted me to read him a story while he ate. This was not typical. (Not the reading part, but reading at dinner) I grabbed the book, A Kiss Goodbye by Audrey Penn and began to read......Chester Raccoon sat in the corner of his tree hollow and frowned. "I'm not moving," he announced stubbornly. "I'm staying here. I want to stay with my tree, and stay with my friends, and stay where I've always lived."
Mrs. Raccoon patted Chester's worried, furrowed forehead. "I understand how you feel," she told him in an understanding, motherly voice, "but I'm afraid we all have to move."
"But I like it here," whined Chester. "It's my home."
" It's my home, too," said Mrs. Raccoon. "And I know how scary it is to move to a new place. But sometimes, like when you started school and changed classes, you have to do things that are scary and hard at first. I know- maybe you could think of moving as an adventure."
And then I landed. My heavenly father in Mrs. Raccoon's character, giving me an answer to the same question and doubt I've been struggling with for the last six months. The adventure will be how it all plays out. Are these thoughts convictions or gentle rebukes? I'm confused but stand so amazed. I had never read that book before, it was REALLY good.

Hello Spring

Sitting down and trying to recall which event occurred first is tough. Lots has happened since my last post. Our family finally got to visit the Eastern Shore. What an adorable little town. Cute homes dotting the marsh line, lots of open space that occasionally opens up into the ocean, and most importantly our dearest friends that now live there. Such a needed visit. A time to relax comfortably, watch our kids play and celebrate Sarah Elizabeth's 2nd year of life.

We weren't home two days when another visit was on the horizon. Grandpa came up to hang out with our family. Talk about a needed visit. The kids hadn't seen grandpa in awhile so they were so glad to get to know him again. Which came effortlessly on all parts. Particularly Riley. It dawned on me during grandpa's visit what a special connection the two of them have. I'm so blessed to witness how each of my children interact with their grandparents, and it was very obvious that Riley connected with her grandpa. He seemed to understand her. Or maybe he just hadn't had the opportunity to be tainted by how I describe her. He simply loved her. (All of her grandparents do) He spent his time reading to her in her room, pushing her on the swings, catching her and riding down the slide her, hugging her, laying on the floor with her, bathing her, eating with her, talking with her, kissing her, even changing her diapers. There were moments I was so thrilled for her and then so sad for her. Tears were certainly shed the day we had to say goodbye to grandpa. We are all looking forward to November when he comes to visit again.
At least we had another visit pending to look forward to. Aunt Lisa and the cousins arrived in Wilmington two days later. Her visits are always so amazing. We're sisters and best friends, and our kids adore each other. Kyra is almost 13 so she pretends not to have a good time, but she is so helpful in caring for her sister, playing with Joshy and George and going with the flow. We spent most of our time preparing food for the SIX kids and playing on the beach. The sun was warm and the water chilly. Just as it always is in April. Our food was grilled, the drinks cold and desserts plentiful. Four days is never long enough.
I cried of course on Saturday. The hardest of all. I think looking back it was because I realized that I love so many people that live so far away. I know that is life, but it stinks. Jamie as always anticipated the sadness, packed us all up, treated us to lunch on the river, a boat ride and some ice cream. It was a perfect way to say goodbye to our families (for now) and hello to spring.

A new kind of ride

Spring is taking shape here in Wilmington which means our family is outside a bunch. Pushing strollers, hitting golf balls, sweeping, raking leaves, and riding bikes. So this past weekend, I think Joshua surprised even himself with his willingness to take off his training wheels and give riding his bike a try. It seemed to come very naturally to him. This is him after 4 days of practicing. Such a proud moment for all of us. Even the middle and little were cheering him on. Great job Joshua!

The boys

I just adore the boys in my life. These pictures are of late. Oh, these boys.

Last names

While tucking Joshua in tonight, he asks...."mom, what is Jesus' last name?" "Christ", I reply.
"Our Lord", he says. "Absolutely, Joshy Joe." My goodness this little guy. How totally awesome.
So sweet, so quiet- like, so true. I love it.

Bunches of stuff

Plain ol' precious

Banning the highchair for her bar stool. Notice, it's back there she just wont use it.

Building volcanoes in our sandbox.

George. Nothing more to say when you know this awesome little boy.

This is Riley.

So to begin, I must talk about precious little Riley Clair. Although tiny and yes, super precious, she is by far the biggest handful of the three. She is more agile, more curious, more loud, more demanding... more able. I've been struggling with her because she is so opposite of both boys that none of my parenting instincts even touch her with a ten foot pole. She accomplishes more in a quarter hour than I ever thought possible. Although hard to keep up with, I do find myself in awe of the things she can do. I'll list just a few off the top of my head. Keep in mind she is only 19 months old. She can climb the rock wall along with the actual ladder (with ease) on our swing set out back. She takes the tray off of her highchair, lays it on the ground and climbs into her highchair when she is hungry. After saying that, Im reminded that she has now decided she doesnt want to sit in a highchair and so scoots a bar stool up to the table, climbs onto it, sits down and eats with the boys. She puts on Joshy's underwear..correctly. When it is time to go outside, she brings me her sweater, goes to the shoe box and picks out a matching pair of shoes, sits down and waits for me to help put them on. It really is fun to watch her. Tiring to clean up after, but fun to watch nonetheless. She does ALL of this, yet doesn't say a word. Only in the last two weeks or so has she really started talking.
Onto George. George has really blossomed this winter.His biggest milestones have been learning to spell his name and learning to ride his bike. A weekend spent away from the kids, and upon return, Jamie had taught him to ride. Such an accomplishment for Georgy. How very proud I am.
Now Joshy Joe, my vulcanologist. He, like so many other times has found a passion. This time for volcanoes. He loves reading about them, watching footage on the computer of actual lava flows, listening to different peoples' stories of living with volcanoes, scientific research of vulcanologist and the like. Jamie and I listen, watch and talk each night about Joshua, knowing he is special. He loves to wonder and discover. And he is so good at it.
Below are clips of Riley showing off some of her verbal skills, Georgy riding his bicycle, and Joshy chopping wood in Virginia.